Writing since I was six or seven years old, means my words have been “out there” for a long time. I still keep that very first diary as a treasure. It has always been part of those things I read every once in a while. It has purity, innocence, spontaneity and lots of grammatical errors. It reflects happy moments and a few moments of sorrow.
I was dramatic enough to let tears fall into the paper so it would show latwer I was actually crying when writing. I am laughing right now as I remember that. I guess back then, I knew that having a diary meant someone was probably going to read it, although during my life, the writing process has occurred mainly because of the beauty of the catharsis effect.
After discovering that my dad founded my blog (which had been kept as a secret that only a few of my friends knew), I lost my biggest fear. It was a a big surprise to me but it has also given me the opportunity to have my dad’s support, which I have always had in everything I do and that itself is very beautiful.
So, after he shared the “discovery” with other patients at the treatment center and the doctor, and also shared his amazement with my immediate family, I decided to share this blog, with a person that is becoming a very important person in my life.
It is said that to love and to be loved requires being vulnerable and exposing yourself without the “what ifs” , otherwise it can’t become something real. I feel the same when writing. Words unveil what my heart says and as I was writing him that email my last line was “with eyes wide shut”.
It provoked me excitement, “frío olímpico”, a bit of fear. It felt like an exposure of myself, my inner one; the one I have kept in a diary since I was a child or the one that has sent uncountable emails to my own address.
It is an emotion I don’t find an specific word to describe yet, but it is like a matter of trust with a bit of risk involved, a little and quite smile in the chest, even a contradiction, as the play on words suggests. I even closed my eyes very tight when about to press the ‘”send” button, although my thoughts and emotions were wide open.
As a kid or grownup, writing has always been an act of getting my mind and soul naked. More than 30 years later, my words are still “out there”. My heart is too.