Yesterday, for the first time I checked the box ” relatives with cancer” at a medical document with real sadness. It is not that I haven’t done it before. Unfortunately my grandma died from cancer, but for me, it seemed as something far from reality. I was a kid and I didn’t understand the meaning of that word back then.
Cancer was not the only box I checked. I was checking other boxes also, so I started to think and got preoccupied. There is nothing I can do about it, except be thankful for not having any of those conditions yet.
I paused for a while. It was like a reality check. I was not busy at work or having fun with friends. I was not having a peaceful day at the beach, watching my family enjoying the beach, as this picture makes me remember. I was face to face with the situation again.
Lately all at home are pausing and I am not sure if in a good sense. Dad hasn’t done his labs to check his PSA levels again. I guess he is scared to find out the results will push him to make a decision about what treatment to choose. He has been postponing it and I am sure it is not on purpose.
Meanwhile, I keep in mind that I am just an outsider as we all are when cancer hasn’t touched us directly. No pressure for him for now, but at some moment I will have to help him call the shots, if no one else does.
I have learned that pausing is important, and whatever makes us pause is a gift. But with cancer I don’t now how good it is to pause for too long. Maybe it is the moment to let fear run out the door to face what is already there, living with my family, under the same roof everyday. Pausing will not take cancer away but for the time being, I think it is preparing us for a challenging moment, and we have no idea what turn it could take.