I want to be mad, furiously mad. Mad with the doctors who didn’t find out earlier, with me for not being aware that my dad was loosing too much weight, and it had nothing to do with age, and with life for going after someone who took so much well care of himself. I know that things are not always fare.
I want to be mad and paralyze time and space. I don’t want that bone scan to happen because I might be scared of the worst. While my life goes on with work and dinner with friends, my father sits in front of the computer looking for diets and cures… and a date for his medicals appointments. He cannot stand the wait.
I am probably creating a wall inside myself so I can stand strong for him, for my mom and for whatever may come, but I want to feel it all, to be furious and hurt.
Maybe waking up crying in the middle of the night, is a sign of my powerlessness, and maybe that is all I can have for now, for something I still cannot change.